In a Labyrinth of Thorns

I am in a maze. Yes, a maze of bullshits and what-nots. It led me to a single crossroad. Twice. Went into one direction that made me thought it's the right way. Turned out to be not. Went the other way which is riskier but freer. Thought it would eventually end up fine. Yet again, it turned out to be not. Really, one can't have everything. Those who strive to achieve it often end up with nothing.

Still, this is a maze. There are a lot of other crossroads, shortcuts, loops. But, this is no ordinary maze. I am in a labyrinth of thorns filled with luring vultures and plastic bags. Vultures who fool those who they think are of lesser creature than they are. Plastic bags which sways wherever the wind takes them. However, few good people run across me sometimes and help me break free from being bloody stuck in thorns. But, most of the time, I've got no one else.

Now, I run. I don't care if I'd be wounded by all the protruding thorns on the way. All I'm careful about now are the draining vultures and the wandering plastic bags.

And, I don't hide.

F.U.

All is well. At last. I know I have been too harsh with all the things I have said before. But then I told you that that's just the pride talking. I've overpowered that egoistic side of me and humbled down to keep things back on track.

I am in a roller coaster ride when it comes to friends. Just as how all other things are, there are certain ups and downs. And some loops and twists. I never knew that a simple "Bati na tayo." would close and end all the misunderstandings for the past eight months. No more heavy feelings whenever I see her. No more judgments on what she does. No more bitching around to piss her off.

I always thought it excruciating, but I stood corrected. Patching things up was easier than I thought. Though I am not yet in the mainstream of this revived friendship, I know the path is heading that way. I'm good with everyone now. That's what I feel, at least. You see, I am torn around three groups of friends who seem to have different mantras in life. And I would like to keep it that way as I don't want to impose anything on them. I am happy this way and so they are (I hope).

Buried in almost unending papers, reading materials and equations, it helps to be at peace with everyone. All the gratitude I give to those who have been patient with all of my eccentricities. And surely, better days are so ahead of us.

Dawning of the Dusk

I went out to grab a coffee. I missed this - sitting in a couch all by myself. Weird as it may seem, I craved for some time alone. Away from everyone. But, why did I crave? Why did I need to do this? It's because I felt I have been deprived of it. It's like I have been grounded.

Night has fully reigned as dark clouds covered the sky. Gloom was gradually taking over me. Contemplating for hours, I still cannot fathom why things went the opposite direction. What went wrong? Who had gone too far?

Maybe I was more of the problem. I mean, I was the one who has all these exaggerations. It was my mind which over-thinks. Maybe, the only wrong they have done was to give me too much. I grew up skeptical as I was not used to be the taker. Being the subject of overflowing attention and care was so new to me, I can't keep up.

When I realized that everything has been over the top, I felt the urge to run. It was a bit too selfish, I know. But, I felt as if I was slowly drying up. I felt lost. I felt compromised. My world has been limited. It was like I am caged. I needed to free myself.

Too much of anything is bad. That's one of what I have learned in this experience. I was like too drunk from drinking too much wine. Things may last even before you thought of it ending. I grew tired already.

What you don't have, you can't give. I do not have so much love in me. I grew up receiving too little. So, as I mature, it became natural to me to fence out and not take what some give me.

We're good now. But, of course, we're not the same as before. One of my crazies has gotten the best of me.

Desiderata

As a requirement to my LIT 103 class, here is my own DESIDARATA:

Accept life as it is, an impermanent world of cause and effect. Expect no magic. Live everyday as if it were your last and make the most out of it. Avoid idle moments.

Appreciate people around you. Love your family. Treasure old friends. Welcome new ones but be extra cautious. Find your own somebody who will be there always beside you.

Be honest in everything you say or do. A guilty conscience is an intolerable load to carry.

Defy mediocrity. Be the best that you can be. Challenge yourself. Never settle for just okay. Give your all to things that you do. Risk. Be open to new opportunities and possibilities.

Listen to yourself. Give yourself some time alone, away from the noises of this worldly life. It is nourishment to both the soul and the mind. Determine your outlet of emotions but make sure it is not harmful to anyone.

Rant NOT!

Yes, I am an Economics major. But since I'm enrolled in a college which is centered on arts and humanities, I am required to take up 12 units of Literature class, three units per semester. I am cleared with the six units which left me with two more terms full-packed of reading materials, sublimity and what-others. Modesty aside, I enjoyed just a little of my Lit classes though I'm a big fan of reading and obviously, writing.

For this academic year's first semester, I am taking up a full-three hour class every Monday with a professor I honestly don't like. Everything is just too overdone. From the gargantuan pile of reading (which I can withstand *for now) to the very obsessive - compulsive house rules, fillers, grade sheet and MEA CULPA late forms. The last time I checked, I am in my junior year in college, not in third grade.

Enough of this shit. I don't have any option to escape this course, anyway. Dropping isn't an option, it's just cowardice.

So, the reason for this entry is not to rant. I am to write my own desiderata in reflection to that of Max Erhmann's. So, what are my most desired things?

Maybe the next post will contain them. As of now, my mind's processing. It's a bit slower after uploading a lot, I mean A LOT of shitloads of world literature.

IN LIMBO

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. Does it really do? What if, in the middle of all the missing and longing, the feeling just melted away?

I'm just being nostalgic over a friend who has been with me in our own transitory periods. I can't help but feel neglected after spending at least a half and a quarter of my vacation with her before entering the world where I am in right now. It was a-little-more-than-friends-but-less-than-lovers type of a relationship. A very special friendship, indeed. What happened, then? I don't know, honestly. Our communication just stopped. I tried reviving it, though, but to no avail. Maybe, we're just both busy making progress in our lives. But, is one day of chatting over a cup of coffee too much to ask?

Hasty things last shorter than we expect it to. We were super friends in a blink. And in a snap, we're I don't know. Is hanging on the right thing to do? Should I wait a little longer?

I'm losing the reason to hold on. Yes, I have friends who I barely see now, but still, I feel inside me that they are here with me in spirit. There is like an invisible thread keeping us tied to each other. But this one? It's like that critical line has been fully cut.

I am in the middle of nowhere for quite some time now. It's like I'm longing for nothing, missing for no one. In that notion, should I keep myself in limbo and hope? Or is it pragmatic to just give up the thought of revival and move forward?

Under the Weather

It isn't always a sunny day. The clouds can get too heavy, too. It will cover up the blue sky and eventually, it will pour out rain. You may get caught off guard, but remember that there are people willing to share a space under their umbrella with you.

Thunders may roar, lightnings may strike, still in after every rain, there is a rainbow emerging from the clearing gloomy sky.

Endure, we must, with all the challenges we encounter on a daily basis in this very complicated existence of ours. Patient, we should be, so we can witness the unfolding of a brighter day.