Dead End

So I was originally gonna write about how great the night was. I was sure to blog about what transpired earlier tonight as my friends and I go out on a movie date: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2. But, then, something came up. As I checked on my Facebook, hyped on letting the world know that I've already watched the last installment of this series, I saw something that made me a little too sensitive.

I've been warned, yes I am. But the pain just struck so hard that I wasn't able to control the emotions streaming down my cheeks. I can tolerate the absence. I can live with the mute conversations. No matter how many times you deny, I know deep down, I lost my significance in your life. I can live with that. I think. I have survived the abrupt shift of our friendship. I lived through summer with you not talking to me.

But to read posts of yours that appear like you've finally given up without giving any good reason, to see that you're talking with the last person I wish you're talking with, is just a lot to take.

Our friendship is hanging by a thread. And now, it seems like it's finally cut. For every actions I make to try and rekindle what we used to have, there is always a negative response. I'm insignificant. Not even a second choice. I went from being on the top straight to being buried in the ground.

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Perhaps, you are my personal karma.

It's a Wrap!

Damn right, it's a wrap. I can't take it no more! I tried being polite and all but you just don't seem to respect what I want. I know it's so unmanly of me to just leave you into pieces. But what the hell should I do? Continue with it and pretend like I care?

2 months short of a half year, it has only been. And I gave you nothing but tears. I feel sorry for us. I feel sorry for what might have been. But I never get there. No matter how hard I tried, I seriously never get there. We have our personal differences which we cannot reconcile at once. I am an amateur at this and so are you. Over the summer I tried talking you out of it by not talking to you. I wanted you to get tired already! I've caused you so much pain and I can't bear to give you more. I wanted you to surrender. I gave you out. But you held on. Tight. You didn't want to let go.

School came and I made up my mind. And this time, I made a firm decision. We talked and it went smoothly. For weeks, I thought we could revive the friendship, at least. Until you blew everything up on me and made it all worse!

Yeah, you have the right to get mad. I, honestly, wanted you to. But, hey, try to be consistent at least. The melodramatic texts, the late night calls and all the self-pity are not helping! Sure, make me look like I'm the worst guy on earth! Bash on me in all ways you can think of. Who the hell cares? Your fragile heart is not an excuse to be so unstable. It's too much that it appears unreal to me. Stop acting like you were so hurt to the point that I crushed your heart into gazillion pieces. There's never a thing to hold on to.

It was a risk we took. And you know that this working out is less possible than not. I have told you that before we reached the decision first hand!

Just so we're clear, I'm not washing my hands for anything I am accounted for in this fucked up story of ours. I know I have my fair share of deficiencies. But please just respect what I want, what I need! It's for the best! Let's just get real!

I'm saddened that the friendship thing after hasn't worked out. I hate to do this but I think it's best to just burn the bridge.

Unheeded

I can't remember the last time I was with you. Alone. I can't remember the last time we shared a cup. I can't remember the last time we studied our brains out for an upcoming recitation or exam. I can't remember the last time we went out just to hang. I can't remember the last time we really talked.

I can't remember because I never thought that that would be the last. I lived by the day knowing that what we do is something we would do for years. But vividly do I remember everything we've shared, everything we did.

It ended too soon, eh? Too soon that it caught me in my most off-guard moment. Too soon that it almost felt like my mind's gonna blow anytime thinking what went wrong. Too soon that it made me uneasily emotional.

So tell me. When was the last time I was with you?

SB UN

It was the summer of 2008 when I first set foot in this place which is located just almost near the north end of Roxas Boulevard in Manila. Since then, it has been my third home. My refuge. My haven.

It is still clear in my mind the very first time I went here. It was a scorching hot weekday and a venti frappuccino was really a great refreshment. I was with my 'superfriend', a high school friend whom I never got to hang out with anymore since college started. I fell in love with the place right away. Seriously, just after I had my first sip in a comfortable couch in that two-floor shop, I knew that this place would be a home for me.

And I was right. College started and this coffee house with all its friendly baristas and jazzy music has been a haven for me and for some of my friends. We had spent hours here working on Algebra and Statistics problems, English and History papers, Econometrics models and a lot other school shitloads. It has also been a place where we celebrate and just chill whenever school permits us to, a destination after school.

But above all those, this place has been my refuge - like my evacuation area whenever I've been devastated by a great typhoon or like a concert hall every time I want to reward myself for a job well done. It has been a place to crash for me. Well, almost.

Now that I got to think of that three years of good and bad memories I had in this humble place, I can't help but be nostalgic about how it has witnessed my transformation as a man. I remember all those people I shared a table and a cup of coffee with. Some of them are still here but most are gone. It's a lot to take. I look in every spot here - couches, tables, corners - and I st ill clearly remember some unforgettable moments with those people who had been here with me.

It's summer again. And I am still here. Somebody told me that I need a new environment because of the present situations in my life. But no matter what happens, I will still be coming back here. I don't care if I'll be sitting all by myself or with somebody new. It's a part of me. This is my home. My refuge. My haven.

Opportunity Cost

In economics, I learned how to maximize one's utilization of resources and how do risks could lead to negative or positive returns. But above everything else, as I embark on my last year in finishing a degree, economics has taught me that in life, you can really never have everything. There are always trade-offs. And opportunity costs.

Opportunity cost, as defined, is the resource you have to give up in order pursue another one. Let's say, tonight I wanna go to the cinemas but I gotta study for my Econometrics exam tomorrow. I cannot afford to fail the exam so I need to set aside my plan of seeing a movie. Here, the opportunity cost of passing my Econometrics exam is going to the cinemas. This is a very relative concept, yes. Someone’s opportunity cost might be a necessity to others.

We always look into the brighter side. And most of the time, we care less about the things we have let go, of the people we take for granted. How does it feel like to be the opportunity cost? How does it feel like to be 'unconsciously' forgone by the one you have been holding onto?

6-4

Ok, so now I'm getting depressed. Yesterday, I told myself that I gotta start to stop. Start to stop what? Because of the recent turn-outs in my fucked up interpersonal discourses, I thought to myself that I need to stop giving too much bullshit to people who apparently does not see me and appreciate what I do.

I don't usually say this but I guess, I will now. It hurts. It's like I've been snatched of my spotlight. I've been hit. So hard that I can't even get up. Worse part is, no one even tries to grab my arms and help me get back on my feet. It's just sad to realize that after all the things I've made, sacrificed and taught, I still end up being the one in the dark.

I may have this almost indestructible wall around me, but it's all there so I would know who cares enough to destroy it. And you know, what sucks the most? To realize that you don't even give a shit to break that wall.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas everyone!

So, I made this greeting image out of boredom during the Christmas eve. I sat beside our humble Christmas tree with my digicam ready and took a couple of pics. Then, I used the Photoshop trial my friend installed in my laptop to put on the text. I really don't know how to use it so I just clicked and typed and clicked! So, there. May you have a blessed Christmas!

Happy birthday, JESUS!:)